What happens when you serve coffee for a living for too long? You lose all faith in humanity. Are there exceptions? Sure. But for the most part, people are rude, overly particular, and just plain awful. That’s how I felt that day when I went into work. That day I had just had enough. Enough of everyone and enough of everything. So I decided to go out with a bang. I was going to teach a lesson to anyone who wasn’t exhibiting good manners that day, for the good of humanity. You send your coffee back because it was 1% too cool, you need a lesson. You come by at 5:59 when we close at 6 and then scream when I won’t make you a blended drink, lesson time. So how do you teach a lesson you might wonder? Obviously I can’t just chew people out at work, I’d get fired on the spot, and then think about all the people who will miss out on a message. Now know this, I fully understood my days there were numbered but I wanted to go out on my terms. So I walked in that day with a big smile on my face, much to the shock of my manager, and was the poster child for calm interactions. My first few customers at 6am were actually pretty polite which was a nice change of pace, but by 7am the lessons could begin.

“Hi, welcome to St@rb#ck$, what can I get for you today?” I asked cheerfully.

“I am on the phone, give me a minute” The customer said rudely, as if he hadn’t just pulled into the drive through at a busy time.

I gave it about 20 seconds and then I asked if he was ready.

“Can you shut up and give me a minute? This is an important call.” He shouted.

I calmly told him that he would need to pull out of line so others could order and he finally did order so as not to lose his spot. But wow was he pissed when he pulled up.

“If I weren’t in such a rush this morning I’d ask to speak with your manager about what a bitch you were rushing me in line.” He said, like the prick that he was.

“Oh I am so sorry sir. Here is your drink, I hope you have a great day.” I replied sweetly.

He drove off after flicking me off.

But the lesson had been given to him in his drink. What he thought was a regular latte with 4.5 pumps of vanilla, a half pump of hazelnut and brought to an exacting 155 degrees (his exact request), had an extra ingredient. Added to his overly sweet, not manly at all drink, was a weapons grade laxative. This stuff is guaranteed to ruin your day in an epic way. It isn’t gentle and it doesn’t give you much warning. I knew he worked around the corner so I figured this gave him enough time to drive there and likely get to his desk before his day took a sharp turn. About 8-9minutes after you drink this stuff you will feel violently ill. You will have roughly 15 seconds until you start evacuating EVERY SINGLE THING in your bowels.

I just wish I could have been there to see it.

There were a few mildly rude people after him but an excusable level of rude. I actually made it to almost 10am before the next lesson was needed.

She rolled in with a tablet and a 4 year old. From their conversation I could tell she was the kids step sister and that they walked there from their family house.

“Can I get a muffin Sam?” The little child asked.

“Can I get a muffin Sam” she mimicked back to the kid in a nasty whisper. “No you cannot , look at how chunky you are getting.”

The little girl who was not chunky at all, but was 4 and still had some cute baby fat looked crestfallen, but not surprised like you would be if this didn’t happen regularly. Sam surprisingly enough though was a little chunky.

When they made it to the counter she ordered the largest blended drink she could get and asked for extra whip cream along with a pastry and they would be eating in. When I asked if the little girl wanted anything she said, verbatim, that no that snotty little bitch didn’t need anything. It took a lot of restraint not to say anything. Because it was clear she was staying in the store and wouldn’t be leaving quickly enough, I got her drink made quickly and got it to her before the pastry was warmed. This insured that I actually got to enjoy the show this time. Like clock work, I saw her face change about 8 minutes later. She clutched her stomach and by the time she got up to head to the bathroom it was too late. The show had begun. We had to call the little one’s mother to come get her and have someone take the big stinky bitch home too. It was great.

My final bit of justice came like a shiny present on my last day. A couple walks in, clearly in the throes of an argument and order their drinks. I’m not sure why he wanted an audience to the dressing down he was giving his girlfriend but they stayed inside. The girlfriend kept asking him to lower his voice or for them to go outside but he would just start semi shouting at that stage. It was slow inside and my manager was on break so this was able to unfold for several minutes. Apparently she had cooked a sub par meal the night before when she had gotten home from her shift and it was just another example of what a lazy piece of shit she was. Who could even blame him if he cheated he wanted to know. She was so clearly not holding up her end of the bargain in the kitchen or the bedroom. So thankfully his drink was ready first. And he got a particularly strong dose. Dude didn’t even make it through his diatribe before he exploded like shaken bottle of coke. His was epic and it was worth it all to see the silent look at glee in his girlfriend’s face before she got up and left him there.

I left that day and never went back. Thankfully I was already headed out of town and so far they haven’t been able to find me.

All this to say, don’t take your shitty day out on the barista, or it may come back to you.