I have loved John Gottman since college. I loved his theories about marriage as a college student and I love them now as a married woman. There are so many different approaches to therapy, and I think a lot of them have merit, but I always gravitated towards the “how do you want your life to look and how can you make changes to get there” approach. Another cornerstone to Gottman’s research that resonates with me is that the underlying cause of most arguments is an unmet need. This seems so simplistic but it is such powerful knowledge to take into any disagreement. Ok, love letter over. John Gottman is great, you get it.

So, the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This term likely rings a bell if you have ever been exposed to the Christian religion. If not, they aren’t a great sign. In marriage, according to John Gottman’s theory they are the 4 indicators of future divorce. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. I like to think of them as the Action Horsemen: Criticism and Contempt, and the Response Horseman: Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

First off, let’s define the first Horseman. Criticism is attacking who your partner is or their character. It is not expressing an unmet need or your feelings but rather attacking the other person and making your hurt feelings their fault. Instead of attacking your partner, first really look inward and find the answers to the questions below.

• Why am I upset?
• What is a potential unmet need I have in this situation?
• What is a way I can ask my partner to help support that need?

Once you have the answers to those questions, go to your partner and let them know that you have something you would like to discuss. Start with “I” statements like “I have been feeling ignored” instead of “You never include me in anything”. You might be surprised the difference this simple shift makes in your communication.

The 2ndand yet most destructive horsemen is contempt. Sometimes paraphrasing just won’t do so I will give you an excerpt right from the Gottman website. “The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.” You can see from the powerful description why this communication tactic might be problematic. The “antidote” for contempt is respect. If you come to your disagreements with respect they are less likely to devolve into contempt.

Our third overall and first Response Horseman is Defensiveness. When you feel like you are being attacked, it is a common response to try and defend yourself. It’s hard, but if you can, try to see the unmet need that your partner is trying to express. When your partner is angry and tells you “You never include me in anything”, try to hear the hurt underneath the anger. Additionally, try not to play the victim. Try to accept responsibility for this argument, even if only a portion of it. Most issues that arise are not one sided or created by only one partner.

Another Response Horseman is Stonewalling. This is often a response to feeling emotionally flooded, or overwhelmed, and thus you shut down. You stop responding because you feel like any response is either not going to make a difference or is just going to make the argument worse. The solution if you feel this coming on is to ask for a time out. Take at least 20 minutes to calm down your nervous system and then come back.

The solution to not getting into this round of back and forth exchanges is to attempt to have a “gentle start up” when you are bringing up a disagreement. If you start with your feelings (in a way that doesn’t make them your partners fault) and follow up with your needs you can avoid these pit falls. Come from a place of love and respect and respond in kind and you can save yourself from being another divorce statistic.

Written by Kat Kilpatrick